Girls and Ghosts

It's not so much that I am scared off it. It's just that I am waiting for it. Every minute passes and this feeling inside me builds. This tell tale heart need to confess something, or to possess something, or to be possessed or found or lost or hurt or loved. Every mundane part of my life around me is building. Every piece of my life is so absurdly normal without you in it for the moment that all of these things are shaking, as if suggesting the nearby presence of a Japanese movie monster stumbling towards me riding an earthquake after swallowing a power electromagnet. Each mouthful of food, each blinking turn signal, each change of the channel is speeding, increasing, rumbling into a crescendo. But towards what?

I've felt this twice before. The first time was before I met girl number one, the second time was before I met girl number you. Heh, right before we met, I remember staring at a paper towel roll casually laying on its side on a shelf by the air conditioner. Within moments, I slip from hazily gazing on my way to a nap at this quick pick up marvel of the cleaning world, into staring with a face wide eyed with shock. Out of no where, I feel the paper towel roll is moving faster, harder, methodical. It's no longer waving lazily in the air, it's now breathing, soon to be beckoning, belaying all of this feelings. I'm not scared, I'm just anticipating an explosion, ejaculation, exclamation, everything or anything to climax this buildup. I never napped. I got up before the AC unit could become a monster and my blue quilt a suffocating tidal wave. Out the door, around the corner, to see you for the first time.

Today, I felt that again. And I'm scared. I don't want another big change like that. I could be so happy with you. I haven't lost you, but that doesn't explain why my Christmas tree lights are quivering in anticipation of some huge occurence in the near future. Maybe I'm fucked up. I am fucked up. I feel like Scrooge, with the three ghosts. I'm waiting for the third ghost to wake me up from this dream I've been living with you. I feel like your going to disappear from my life, dissolving with all the smoke and leaving me with mirrors to see my sorry state. I feel like I'm going to be pushed into the arms of some new girl who will teach me, love me, and then ultimately fade. I feel like the only reason I am having these incredible experiences with girls and ghosts is because I need to be taught something. I'm scared. I'm supposed to change the world. I have to. I have all these things to say and I don't know how to say them. And I want to. And I have to. I am the world. I am a piece of the world. I'm fucked up because the world is fucked up. I can fix the world to fix myself. I want to. I have to. I need to. So just don't leave me. Don't be another ghost. I want to slow everything down. I want to ritardo this crescendo. I want to learn more from you, I have to. Chain yourself to me like Jacob Marley. You are going to be my past one day, so chain yourself on to me now like you will whenever you are in my past. Haunt me now, in the flesh.